Finding my Purpose
Do you ever just sit around and wonder why you are even here? What is my purpose? What am I doing? What impact am I making for the kingdom? I feel like I’m in a place of waiting. There was Cancer. Then the Adoption of a child with life-threatening illness. Now what. I find myself just sitting around waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me again. What next? I feel like I am in a season of trying to find a new normal. Very much like right after cancer. Our last year with Reid was very eventful. But now he’s doing so well. We are finding our new normal. It really is just a weird season of life.
Here I am trying to figure out what the Lord wants from me. As a mom, as a career woman, as a wife and a friend. I feel I am being pulled in so many directions yet I don’t feel I am being productive in any way. It’s not a good feeling really. I have days I just want to quit everything and just go somewhere alone for 24 hours and just be. First and foremost I want to glorify God in all I do. I want people to look at me and see Jesus. I don’t want them to see anything else. Lately I’ve just been processing everything in my life that has taken all of my energy. Everything that seemed so Important. Yet in light of eternity is it really? In light of the fact the Lord could take any of us at any moment, are those things really that important? Can you relate? The things you put your time and energy into? Most likely none of those things are bad things, but the Lord didn’t create us to say yes to everything. That’s the struggle I’m dealing with. I want to be able to say yes to everything and everyone. But then that’s not what the Lord has created me to do. He wants me to fully carry out HIS purposes. Not my own. For His glory, not my own. It’s so hard to see that and live that in our everyday lives. To tease out the voice of the Holy Spirit from those of this world. But what happens is we chase after so many things that it leaves us empty. My cup is empty. I spend so much time filling others yet not near enough time filling my own. I have said yes to too many things. As I look at everything and try to figure out what I can say no to... I start feeling guilty because I will let someone down. But at the end of the day, it’s the Lord I serve, not man. Hard lesson to truly learn. Today I was scheduled to fly to Columbus for a Thirty-One Conference. Due to circumstances out of my control, I missed my flight this morning. I was able to get on another flight on standby and the plane was taxing out as it stopped. The captain came on the loud speaker and said they were having maintenance issues and we would need to go back to the gate. I’ve been at the airport almost 6 hours and I haven’t left yet. I had everything planned out. I am missing meetings scheduled today. Honestly going to this conference isn’t something I would normally have done. It would mean leaving my family, inconveniencing others to help with my kids and taking time from my day job. I ended up being nominated for an award and the requirement is you must attend conference. Well shoot. On the off chance I would win, I would get $10,000 donated to my nonprofit. That means I have to figure out a way to go. Well here I am. I found out last week I didn’t win the award, but now it’s a done deal. I tell you what the enemy has been full on attacking me this week. Feelings of guilt, stress, plans I had made for family falling through, you name it. And now all these flight issues. I really just want to get up and walk to my car and leave. The enemy has been full court press here. But I just keep hearing the Lord say “Trust me”. Just trust me. So I wait. Again, what I feel is the story of my life right now. Just wait on the Lord. But Lord, I want to know what you want me to do. And He reminds me and says “my timing Holly not yours”. “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” Psalms 27:14 The Lord never leaves us not forsakes us. I’m holding firm in this season of waiting. I’m trusting for the Lord to reveal his plan in His timing. And accept I have no control over that. Lord, help me to trust in your faithfulness. You have been so good to me. I know sometimes the hard road is the better road, give me eyes to see you are here with me always. Listening to the song “ King of my Heart ” and praising the only one who is in control. Let the king be the wind inside my sails, the anchor in the waves, oh he is my Song Let the king of my heart be the fire inside my veins, the echo of my days, oh he is my song! You are good, good, Oh You are good, good, Oh You are good, good, Oh You’re never gonna let me down You are good, good, oh!!! Today in the waiting Lord you’ve reminded me you’re faithful. You come through when others say there’s no chance. You have the final say in all circumstances. I am excited to get to conference. To hear from the Lord. To have some time to just sit in silence and be still. It’s been too long. Jesus, I am here. I am yours. You are good. I am thankful I am a work in progress. Perfection isn’t expected. It’s not possible. And my God loves me just the same. All he wants is me. Just as I am. Here’s to impatiently waiting on the Lord And learning to see myself as he sees me. To believe the truth and not all the ways the enemy deceives me. Satan, get behind me. There’s no room for you here.
Jesus, it’s all for you.