Last Tuesday, I went to surgery to have my cyst removed. Dr. Oh was able to remove the cyst and only had to partially remove my ovary. So instead of two ovaries, I now have ½ of one. Evidently that will still work for me. My doctor had a section of my cyst sent off to pathology while I was in the OR. It was read as benign at that time. The remainder of my surgery went well. I was able to go home that night and have had a pretty normal recovery.
While physically I am doing pretty well, emotionally I have been all over the place. As in my last surgery, they sent my cyst for a full pathology examination. I will get those results when I go see Dr. Oh on Friday. The waiting has been horrible. I remember the first time around I wasn’t very nervous because in the OR at the time of my first cyst removal it was read as benign. I did have thoughts about “what-if” it was cancer, but never dwelt on that or worried too much because it was read as benign initially. Well this time around is a bit different knowing what I know from last time. Although I am not panicking, I just feel like I am holding my breath. I can’t fully relax until I know exactly what the results show. There has been a surprise at every turn of my journey. Large cyst. Surgery. Not cancer. Cancer. Chemo. Cyst. Surgery. Not cancer…..
I have been honest this entire time with each of you. I have tried my best to drown out my anxieties with His truth, but it is hard. I won’t paint this pretty Christian picture that “life is awesome” and things are so “easy” because I love Jesus. That would be a lie. This really sucks. I am really tired at this point. I am a secret sufferer too. I don't like to burden others with my lack of faith or fear. I am just ready to move on, yet the Lord is saying not yet. He isn’t finished with my story. I trust Him, I really do; but, can I just complain for a minute? David did in the bible, so surely I am safe :)
Everyone else in my life is living their lives, going on with the “normal” routine. Yet, I am not. I am jealous. I feel very alone. I feel guilty for having these feelings. I should be nothing but thankful. My path could have been much darker, more difficult. You see cancer is evil. It doesn’t just destroy you physically but it robs you of so much more. Normal Life. Beauty. Emotional battles. At times, I feel like I will never see the end of the tunnel.
I was reading in Ephesians yesterday and love chapter 1 and the truths it holds. God chose me a long time ago, before the world was ever made. He is not surprised by any of my journey. In fact, He knew I would walk this path and allow others to see how amazing He is through me. He knew I would have cancer. He knew I would be struggling these very days I am now. He loves me. Nothing formed against me will ever stand. You would think I could rest in that truth, but it is hard.
2015 was a year of me being broken down to nothing. I know this is a process that will be worth it. The Lord will rebuild me into something much more beautiful than I was ever before; and I don’t mean physically. He has and still is tearing through the layers of anxiety, fear, vanity, control and selfishness. All those things that steal away my affections for him. All those things that I have placed before him.
Over and over, I keep hearing.. Holly, do you trust me? Yes, BUT…. There is no
BUT; Holly, do you trust me?
So I press on…. I lean into my Jesus. Every single day I spend time in His word. Even when I don’t feel like it. So in this, I may deepen my knowledge of Him, that I may have a better understanding of the promises He gives me. To have fullness of life in HIM. Nothing else can fill me. Not my family, friends, shopping, TV, or Facebook.
17 asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom[a] and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. 18 I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.[b]
19 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power 20 that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms.
Paul is praying and asking God to give the Ephesians wisdom and that they might grow in their knowledge of God. Because why?? Then their hearts would be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident HOPE he has given to those he called- his holy people. Confident hope. He has given me confident hope by the life, death and resurrection of his son Jesus. Paul goes on to say in chapter 3….
“Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.” Ephesians 3:20
I have realized that I am sad and feel cheated of life. Yet, these things are happening so that the Lord can show me true LIFE. He can accomplish way more than I could ever imagine or ask for. He is the only one that can completely heal me of cancer if that is his will.
Lord, help my unbelief. Forgive me of wanting my will and not yours. You are enough.
As I continue to wait on these results, I will continue to lean into my Jesus. I will continue to praise His name while I wait…
Jesus, this is all for you.
** Team Holly Care Bags update **
Thank you so much to all those that have donated items and monetarily towards my bags. I delivered the first 10 bags the beginning of December. I am set to deliver the next set of 10 this Friday. They have already given out 8 of the first 10. It’s very bittersweet. I am so excited they were able to give the bags out to these women, but I am literally sick to my stomach knowing that 8 more women have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Their lives have literally been turned upside down. This truth makes me so sad. I hate cancer. I would do anything to stop the devastation, but since I can’t I will continue to try to be a light in a very dark world.
My goal is to continue to make these bags as long as I am able to… for years to come! If you feel led to help in any way, I will always be taking donations. Here is a list of items needed for the next set of 10. I will always keep an updated signup on my blog that you can click on. You are able to sign up for items or make donations via PayPal. If neither of those options work for you, you can also mail me cash or check donations. Thank you for helping me be this light. In the bags, I included a letter about my story and my prayer for these women. I wanted them to know they had a “teal sister” in me and that there is hope on the other side of chemotherapy. I wanted them to know that they were specifically prayed for. I recently got a message from one of the women on Facebook. I cried and cried tears of joy. She was so thankful for the bag and was overwhelmed by all of the kindness from everyone. So THANK YOU to my Team Holly for helping me. It’s not my own efforts. It takes a village and I love my village!
**Specific prayer requests**
1). Continued physical healing from surgery.
2). Pathology reports to be benign and NOT cancer.
3). The women who have received and will receive these bags. For healing in their lives both physically, emotionally and spiritually. That if any one of them do not know Jesus, that they would come to know of him and his love.
In Jesus' precious name,